My
Portlandía
By Jacob Juntunen
By Jacob Juntunen
(PORTLANDÍA sits, covered in bandaids. WILL addresses
the audience.)
WILL
I had just finished my morning commute to the studio lot, when I saw a familiar face in a Jaguar next to my Lexus. It was Jacob, a writer I knew from Portland in my post-college years. We exclaimed and clasped hands. He was in LA writing for a new HBO drama which I’d been hired to direct a few episodes for. We left the studio and got to talking about the past. We both remembered my roommate Portlandía, but it seems Jacob had written a book about her… He asked my favorite memory to add to his collection, and I had to relate to him the time I came home to find her covered in bandaids…
I had just finished my morning commute to the studio lot, when I saw a familiar face in a Jaguar next to my Lexus. It was Jacob, a writer I knew from Portland in my post-college years. We exclaimed and clasped hands. He was in LA writing for a new HBO drama which I’d been hired to direct a few episodes for. We left the studio and got to talking about the past. We both remembered my roommate Portlandía, but it seems Jacob had written a book about her… He asked my favorite memory to add to his collection, and I had to relate to him the time I came home to find her covered in bandaids…
PORTLANDÍA
Ow! So mean, so mean.
Ow! So mean, so mean.
(PORTLANDÍA applies another bandaid. WILL enters the
scene.)
WILL
Hey, Portlandía, I was gonna make some gallo pinto tonight, do you want—
Hey, Portlandía, I was gonna make some gallo pinto tonight, do you want—
PORTLANDÍA
Did you try that vegan honey I bought?
Did you try that vegan honey I bought?
WILL
The corn syrup in the fridge?
The corn syrup in the fridge?
PORTLANDÍA
The guy told me it was vegan honey, no bees were harmed in its making. I just can’t stand the thought of those poor little bees harnessed and enslaved, forced to make honey—
The guy told me it was vegan honey, no bees were harmed in its making. I just can’t stand the thought of those poor little bees harnessed and enslaved, forced to make honey—
WILL
I think it’s just what bees do— OW!
I think it’s just what bees do— OW!
(WILL slaps his arm.)
PORTLANDÍA
Oh, hey, don’t kill them.
Oh, hey, don’t kill them.
WILL
Kill what? Ow!
Kill what? Ow!
(WILL slaps his arm.)
PORTLANDÍA
Our little houseguests.
Our little houseguests.
WILL
Who? Ow!
Who? Ow!
(WILL slaps his arm.)
PORTLANDÍA
I think they’re living in my hair. I haven’t been able to wash it in weeks now. Ow! Hey, now, that’s not cool, little guy.
I think they’re living in my hair. I haven’t been able to wash it in weeks now. Ow! Hey, now, that’s not cool, little guy.
(PORTLANDÍA puts on another bandaid.)
WILL
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
PORTLANDÍA
I won’t want the bites to get infected.
I won’t want the bites to get infected.
WILL
Is that a flea?
Is that a flea?
PORTLANDÍA
Probably. They’re everywhere.
Probably. They’re everywhere.
WILL
Ow!
Ow!
(WILL slaps his arm.)
PORTLANDÍA
Oh, hey, that’s not cool. They’re living things, too.
Oh, hey, that’s not cool. They’re living things, too.
WILL
They’re in your hair?
They’re in your hair?
PORTLANDÍA
I don’t know. I started finding them on the pillow a few weeks ago, so I haven’t washed it since, just in case.
I don’t know. I started finding them on the pillow a few weeks ago, so I haven’t washed it since, just in case.
WILL
Okay, I’m going to go to Fred Meyer to get a bug bomb, and you go wash your hair—
Okay, I’m going to go to Fred Meyer to get a bug bomb, and you go wash your hair—
PORTLANDÍA
I will not be party to genocide!
I will not be party to genocide!
WILL
They’re biting us.
They’re biting us.
PORTLANDÍA
I’m a pacifist, man. I have to, you know, use nonviolent means on them. I’ve been negotiating with them, seeing if we can come to some sort of agreement, but so far—
I’m a pacifist, man. I have to, you know, use nonviolent means on them. I’ve been negotiating with them, seeing if we can come to some sort of agreement, but so far—
WILL
Oh, hey, there’s a sale on hemp soap at Trader Joe’s—
Oh, hey, there’s a sale on hemp soap at Trader Joe’s—
PORTLANDÍA
Really?! That place never has sales.
Really?! That place never has sales.
WILL
Yeah, I know, so why don’t you go grab some, and I’ll start the gallo pinto—
Yeah, I know, so why don’t you go grab some, and I’ll start the gallo pinto—
PORTLANDÍA
Cool. You’re the best, Will.
Cool. You’re the best, Will.
(PORTLANDÍA exits; WILL speaks to the audience)
WILL
So she left, I went to Fred Meyer, returned with a bug bomb, and had a flea holocaust. Jacob and I had a laugh over that story, where my life was compared unfavorably to a flea’s, and I noticed a tear in his eye. He got up, paid the bill, told me to let HBO know that he quit, and he got back in his Jaguar and drove it to Portland that very day. Last I heard from him, he traded the Jaguar for a Prius, found Portlandía, and they founded a commune where he taught theatre history to chickens before they were slaughtered. Ah, my Portlandía.
So she left, I went to Fred Meyer, returned with a bug bomb, and had a flea holocaust. Jacob and I had a laugh over that story, where my life was compared unfavorably to a flea’s, and I noticed a tear in his eye. He got up, paid the bill, told me to let HBO know that he quit, and he got back in his Jaguar and drove it to Portland that very day. Last I heard from him, he traded the Jaguar for a Prius, found Portlandía, and they founded a commune where he taught theatre history to chickens before they were slaughtered. Ah, my Portlandía.
Jacob is head of
playwriting at Southern Illinois University, Carbondale.
Read his full lengths here.
Read his full lengths here.
No comments:
Post a Comment