photo by Joe Mazza and Brave Lux

Friday, January 24, 2014

Ukraine, January 16, 2014

by Jacob Juntunen
(MAN on an empty stage)
I used to run numbers for some of the companies that came to Ukraine after the USSR fell. No big thing. I worked my way up, like any goodfella, and now I’m at the top, the boss. But I got a little problem. A little debt problem. And a gas bill I ain’t got the dough to pay.

But, hey, so I got into some debt. Who hasn't, am I right? You don't got no credit card payments on a revolving door, interest getting higher and higher month after month? You gonna hold your nose up at me because of some debt? Look at the U.S.—-Richest fucking country in the world, and trillions of dollars in debt. Mine ain’t nothing like that. A tiny fraction of that. I just had a gas bill coming due. Mother Nature don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re the boss; it’s fucking cold in Kiev. And the gas comes from Russia. So being at the top in Kiev wasn’t gonna help me none.

Kiev. That's in Ukraine. I just wanted to make sure you knew. Conservatives in the U.S. can only talk about Benghazi, and the worthless liberals can only argue about whether Jennifer Lawrence is a fucking feminist. Big fucking deal. You know what’s a big fucking deal in Ukraine? Heat.

You ever been to Ukraine? In January? You whip out your dick to take a leak in the woods and the piss freezes before it hits the ground. So a gas bill wasn't no small thing. This wasn’t about running numbers; it was about staying on top.

Because if you're in the woods outside Kiev in January, you got bigger problems than where to piss. Especially if it was some Russians that took you out there, maybe blindfolded, maybe in a military transport. That was my problem. A Russian gas company.

So I give Angela a call. She's got a lotta friends. Union friends, if you know what I mean, and I figure she can help. What I need is a drop in the bucket compared to what she and her friends got.

And, hey, speaking of countries with debt, it's not just the U.S. Look at Greece. Look at Spain. Fuck, look at the American banks—-they got so big they might as well be countries. All of them got bailed out. So why not me, I figure?

But Angela's not having it. Some superiority you should have budgeted better bullshit. I say, “Angela, I know where your bodies are buried,” but she still don't help. She likes to forget about the past. Forget about all the bodies from the 30s and 40s that are fertilizing the forests in Ukraine. Fuck her.

So when Russians show up at my door, and offer to erase the debt in exchange for a little favor, what kinda choice to I have? I ain't gonna be no tree fertilizer.

I know what you’re thinking. What about the protestors? What about the will of the people? I been hearing them, too! They been standing in the cold for two months chanting, “Don’t kill our democracy! Don’t kill our democracy!” or some shit. Look, I admire their grit! It ain't easy to protest outside in Ukraine in November and December! But they ain’t here, in the room, with these Russian fucks. I ain't got no other way to pay our debt.

So I walked into parliament, where I’m still the boss, and put a fifteen billion dollar vote before them: Russia wipes out our debt, and we dissolve parliament. And get rid of elections. And tear up the accord to join the E.U. If that fucker Barack had returned some of my phone calls…

We didn't use no electronic voting system. I figured a show of hands would do. And those Russian guys from the military trucks were available to escort anybody to the woods who didn't want to vote their branch of government out of existence.

So Ukraine’s gas bill got paid, and it ain’t my body fertilizing the Ukrainian forests. Just a gush of blood from democracy’s jugular. And if you think you got the right to judge me, then fuck you.


For information on the actual crisis in Ukraine, see:
Gawker's great synopsis
Also, this article by Tim Snyder is more or less what I based this monologue on. 
And, finally, here's information about the protestor's in Ukraine building a CATAPULT!