The Olympic Price

Part of 31 Plays in 31 Days.                        

            The Olympic Price
            By Jacob Juntunen

BOB COSTAS III, in a suit and tie, and SHAWNA STUBBS, in a leotard, sit across from each other for an interview.

            BOB COSTAS III
Welcome to coverage from the 45^th Olympiad brought to you by Nike-Cola-Bay. I’m Bob Costas the third here with Shawna Stubbs as she gets ready for her individual gymnastic trials. How are you Shawna?

            SHAWNA STUBBS
I just can’t wait to get out there and compete.

            BOB COSTAS III
Of course you can’t! And our viewers can’t wait to see your thirty second highlight video on Neuro-Tube tomorrow.

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Won’t Nike-Bay-Colacover it?

            BOB COSTAS III
Ha, ha! No. When my father died last year and Nike-Bay-Colagave me sole hereditary custody of Olympic Coverage—despite what my damn ex-wife’s lawyer said in court—he made me promise: “Bob the third,” he said, “Only special interest stories. Never sports. Learn from my mistakes.” That was just before his lethal injection. And speaking of dead fathers, qualifying for the all-around gymnastics competition this Olympiad is bittersweet coming on the heels of your father’s untimely death, isn’t it?

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Um. My Dad’s alive.

            BOB COSTAS III
Is he, Shawna? Is he? Let’s look at some footage. Jim?

(SHAWNA STUBBS and BOB COSTAS III stare out at the audience into an unseen monitor.)

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Oh my God! Dad!

            BOB COSTAS III
It’s so touching that your father was willing give his all for your Olympic aspirations. I think those were tears just before the steel hit his neck. Tears well-spent, because here you are.

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Was that a meat cleaver?

            BOB COSTAS III
A machete. Can you tell us how you’re feeling seeing your late-father’s dedication to your Olympic dreams?

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Um, shocked. Horrified.

            BOB COSTAS III
A parent’s love is truly awe-inspiring, isn’t it? When my father died—

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Okay, someone get this mic off me, I just want to get to the gym—

            BOB COSTAS III
Some pre-Olympic jitters from sixteen-year-old Shawna Stubbs, ladies and gentlemen!

            SHAWNA STUBBS
I’m not just sitting here after you show me my father’s head rolling down a hallway—

SHAWNA STUBBS stands up to leave.

            BOB COSTAS III
Thank you for standing up! Now just do a slow spin for the CGI generators so we can hologram you into people’s Home Hospitality Suites—and, gentlemen, you’ll want to get your DVRs going for this one!

SHAWNA STUBBS sits quickly.

            SHAWNA STUBBS
No one said anything about making a holo of me.

            BOB COSTAS III
She’s nervous! Shaking like a leaf up here! Just sweet sixteen! Perfectly normal for a first Olympics, especially after the last Russian team’s holos somehow got into that porn generator—but that’s not how we do things at Nike-Cola-Bay! This is just for advertising and a few music videos. Nothing will be on our subsidiary Porn-Tube.

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Turn the CGI generators off, please, so I can go get a medal for my Dad—

            BOB COSTAS III
Spoken like a true victor! My father said only victors can be victorious, and it’s in that spirit that Nike-Bay-Cola is proud to announce the Gold or Nothing Program for all American athletes!

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Any medal would make my father proud.

            BOB COSTAS III
Well, your body might get a medal besides gold, but with Nike-Bay-Cola’s new Gold or Nothing Program—

            SHAWNA STUBBS
What’s wrong with my body?

            BOB COSTAS III
Nothing! Of course, we haven’t hologrammed it yet to give it a proper score, and your hair is a little nappy—

            SHAWNA STUBBS
It’s my gymnastics that will win a gold, not my body—

            BOB COSTAS III
Oh! I’m sorry, there’s been a misunderstanding. I should have said your corpse might get a medal besides gold, not your body, I mispoke—

            SHAWNA STUBBS
My corpse?

            BOB COSTAS III
The new Gold or Nothing program sponsored by Nike-Bay-Cola ensures that U.S. athletes will only win gold since we publicly hang all losers! Though if you get a silver or bronze we’ll make sure it’s around your neck with the noose.

            SHAWNA STUBBS
This is insane! The Russians—

            BOB COSTAS III
Have had this program for years, yes, ever since it was popularized by the Belarussians and then taken up by China. The U.S. will not lose the Corpse Count, brought to you by McDonald’s, at this Olympiad, ladies and gentlemen!

            SHAWNA STUBBS
The Russians are amazing. There’s no way I’m winning gold over Nadia.

            BOB COSTAS III
Then I guess we’ll have a quick exit interview after the games, and then a good old-fashioned hanging before the medal ceremony!

            SHAWNA STUBBS
(standing) Fuck you, Bob Costas!

            BOB COSTAS III
The third!

            SHAWNA STUBBS
I’ll take you out right now!

(SHAWNA STUBBS round-house kicks BOB COSTAS III in the head; he goes flying.)

            BOB COSTAS III
(from the ground) Did we get the 360 CGI from that perfectly executed round-house kick? Yes?

            SHAWNA STUBBS
Fuck you Nike-Bay-Cola! Fuck you all! I’m winning this for Dad!

(SHAWNA runs off)

            BOB COSTAS III
(straightening his tie and sitting back down) We’ll have to edit out the swearing, but that was a great last line. And people wonder why we can’t broadcast the games live anymore. Okay, on me in 3, 2… And, with her battle cry, “I’m winning this one for Dad,” the mighty Shawna Stubbs was on her way to Olympiad glory, and glory never fades. Okay, and on me again, in 3, 2… And, with a desperate cry of, “I’m winning this one for Dad,” our little Shawna Stubbs disappointed herself, her family, and paid the ultimate price, the one every athlete risks competing in these Olympic Games.

Jacob is head of playwriting at Southern Illinois University, Carbondale. 
Read his full lengths here.

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