Check Yourself

Check Yourself

by Jacob Juntunen

PAULA: Mid- to late-twenties
GABRIELA: Early twenties
WAITRESS:
MAN:

Setting: 

MAN is standing alone onstage standing and reading a magazine when WAITRESS enters leading PAULA and GABRIELA. Throughout, the MAN notices and reacts to the women, as if eavesdropping.

                                                            GABRIELA
You sure you don’t mind sitting at the bar?

                                                            PAULA
It’s fine.

                                                            GABRIELA
How long a wait is it for a table?

                                                            WAITRESS
At least 45 minutes.

                                                            PAULA
Which is why you make reservations.

                                                            WAITRESS
What would you like to drink?

                                                            GABRIELA
Water’s fine.

                                                            PAULA
The Napa pinot noir.

                                                            WAITRESS
Great. I’ll just leave these menus with you, and be right back with your drinks.

(WAITRESS exits)

                                                            GABRIELA
I’m really glad we could have dinner away from Mom and Dad. And this is my treat.

                                                            PAULA
You really don’t have to—

                                                            GABRIELA
Come on. I have a job. I’m not a kid anymore.

                                                            PAULA
Well… Thanks for inviting me, then.

(They look at the menus)

                                                            GABRIELA
Twelve dollars for a hamburger?

                                                            PAULA
You’re not going to get a hamburger here, are you?

                                                            GABRIELA
Of course not. I’m just saying. (pause) I’m glad you came home for Thanksgiving.

                                                            PAULA
New York’s home now.

                                                            GABRIELA
I’m glad you visited Mom and Dad, then. Are you coming back for Christmas?

                                                            PAULA
The firm’s closed over Christmas, so I might as well.

                                                            GABRIELA
I was thinking of inviting everyone over to my place.

                                                            PAULA
Your apartment’s not big enough.

                                                            GABRIELA
I got a tree in the corner, and I can put a card table up next to my kitchen table. Everyone will fit.

                                                            PAULA
What does Mom think?

                                                            GABRIELA
I haven’t asked her. But if you and I both—

                                                            PAULA
She’s going to flip out—

                                                            GABRIELA
Not if we both—

(WAITRESS enters)

                                                            WAITRESS
Water, and pinot noir. Are you ready to order?

                                                            PAULA
I’ll have the duck with parmesan foam.

                                                            GABRIELA
I’ll get the chicken wings.

                                                            PAULA
They’re an appetizer.

                                                            GABRIELA
They’re ten dollars.

                                                            PAULA
She wants them as her entrée.

                                                            WAITRESS
That is no problem. Do you want them to come out at the same time as the duck?

                                                            PAULA
Yes. She does.

                                                            WAITRESS
I’ll put those right in. I’ll take your menus. Give you some more room.

(WAITRESS exits)

                                                            PAULA
What would you make for Christmas dinner? Chicken wings and hot dogs?

                                                            GABRIELA
I’ve helped Mom with dinner every year since—

                                                            PAULA
I hope the duck fits on the bar.

                                                            GABRIELA
I didn’t know you needed to make reservations. How much is the duck?

                                                            PAULA
I can pay for it.

                                                            GABRIELA
No, my treat.

                                                            PAULA
There will probably only be, like, four wings.

                                                            GABRIELA
I’m sure there’ll be more for ten dollars.

                                                            PAULA
I’m going to the bathroom.

(PAULA exits, running into the WAITRESS as she enters. They have a brief exchange the audience can't hear.)

                                                            WAITRESS
Here’s your check, sir.

                                                            MAN
Thanks. And here’s a little something extra.

                                                            WAITRESS
You don’t need to—

(MAN whispers in WAITRESS’s ear as he gets ready to leave.)

                                                            WAITRESS (cont)
Okay. (to GABRIELA) I’m not supposed to tell you this, but your bill is taken care of. So if you want something to drink, or an entrée, you should just—

                                                            GABRIELA
What the fuck, man?

                                                            MAN
Are you talking to me?

                                                            GABRIELA
You think you can just eavesdrop and then, what, do some white guilt good Samaritan bullshit?

                                                            MAN
I have no idea—

(PAULA enters)

                                                            PAULA
Why are you yelling?

                                                            GABRIELA
This asshole thinks he can just pay for our—

                                                            PAULA
This is why I don’t want any of you in my fucking private life, you’re all—

                                                            GABRIELA
I just want you to come to my house for Christmas!

                                                            MAN
You two get it together.

                                                            GABRIELA
Bye, Felicia.

                                                            MAN
Who’s Felicia?

                                                            GABRIELA
Exactly, bitch. Buh-bye.

(MAN exits)

                                                            GABRIELA (cont)
How could you let that asshole pay for—

                                                            PAULA
I paid, you idiot. Everyone in the bar could tell I was going to pay.

                                                            GABRIELA
But he whispered something—

                                                            WAITRESS
He likes my ass. Your sister gave me her credit card on the way to the bathroom.

                                                            PAULA
Can you make our order to go? We’ll get out of your hair.

                                                            WAITRESS
Sure.

(WAITRESS exits)

                                                            PAULA
You could have invited me anywhere and I would have—

                                                            GABRIELA
No way someone as stuck up as you would have… Sorry, I didn’t mean that.

(pause)

                                                            PAULA
You sure you have room for the whole family at your place? Even me?

                                                            GABRIELA
Yeah.

                                                            PAULA
So let’s get your four chicken wings and go talk to Mom.

                                                            GABRIELA
There’s going to be more than four chicken wings for ten bucks.

                                                            PAULA
You are so wrong.

(They exit. Blackout.)

                                                            

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As Simple as Black and White

                                                            As Simple as Black and White
                                                            By Jacob Juntunen

Characters:
USHER: Pale skinned man.
MAN 1: Dark skinned man.
WOMAN 1: Light skinned woman.
WOMAN 2: Dark skinned woman.
WOMAN 3: Tan skinned woman.
WOMAN 4: Tan skinned woman.
MAN 2: Caramel skinned man.
MANAGER: Pale skinned man.

Setting:
USHER is alone onstage when MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 enter.

                                                            USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.

(MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 both move stage right.)

                                                            USHER
Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. The white section is over there.

                                                            WOMAN 1
I know.

                                                            MAN 1
What’s the problem?

                                                            USHER
Look, I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. I don’t care where people stand, but if my manager sees people mixing, I’ll get fired.

                                                            MAN 1
We’re here on a date, we don’t want to make any problems.

                                                            USHER
Listen, I understand. I sympathize, but I got married a couple months ago, a baby’s already on the way, and we used all our savings to put a down-payment on a house. If it were up to me you could stand where ever you—

                                                            WOMAN 1
I’m black.

                                                            USHER
Okay, yeah, I feel solidarity, too, but—

                                                            MAN 1
You white people made the laws. One drop of blood.

                                                            USHER
But she’s paler than I am—

(WOMAN 2 enters.)

                                                            WOMAN 1
Over here!

(WOMAN 1 and 2 hug.)

                                                            WOMAN 1 (cont)

This idiot wants me to stand in the whites only section.

                                                            WOMAN 2
What a lump.

                                                            USHER
I can’t get fired, I’ve got a new mortgage to pay and an usher doesn’t get paid much—

                                                            WOMAN 2
She’s my sister.

                                                            USHER
You’re joking.

                                                            WOMAN 1
White people get mad when I try to pass, and get mad when I try to be black.

                                                            USHER
Is this Candid Camera?

                                                            MAN 1
Get bent.

(WOMAN 3 enters.)

                                                            USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.

                                                            WOMAN 3
I’m not.

                                                            USHER
Not what?

                                                            WOMAN 3
White or black.

                                                            USHER
You have to be one or the other.

                                                            MAN 1
Stand with us.

                                                            WOMAN 3
Maybe I’ll just stand in the middle.

                                                            USHER
You can’t stand in the aisle. If the manager comes—

                                                            MAN 1 and WOMAN 1
You’ll get fired.

                                                            WOMAN 2
Give us a break.

(WOMAN 4 enters.)

                                                            USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.

                                                            WOMAN 4
I'm down! Brown is my color! Latina is my identifier!

                                                            WOMAN 3
Stand in the aisle with me.

                                                            USHER
No, no, no!

                                                            WOMAN 4
When do the cats start blowing?

                                                            MAN 1
It should have already started.

                                                            USHER
My manager will be up here soon to check on everything, and I can’t have you in the black section—

                                                            WOMAN 1
But I’m black!

                                                            USHER
And no one can be in the aisle!

(ENTER MAN 2)

                                                            USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over... So go… Go over… I’m sorry, sir, what color are you?

                                                            MAN 2
Caramel?

                                                            USHER
Okay! Look! I don’t care what’s in your blood! I don’t care who your ancestors are! I don’t care about anything except how dark your skin is! I need all of you with dark skin over here, and all of you with light skin over here so I don’t get fired!

                                                            WOMAN 4
What do you mean by light?

                                                            WOMAN 3
Yeah, I’m sort of light-ish.

                                                            USHER
No! Just—! I CAN’T LOSE MY JOB!

MANAGER enters.

                                                            MANAGER
What’s going on up here?

                                                            USHER
Please, sir, don’t fire me! I’ve been trying to get them to—

                                                            MANAGER
Everyone, listen up. I’m afraid the concert’s been canceled. We don’t allow Jews in here, and somehow no one figured out Benny Goodman was Jewish until he got here.

                                                            MAN 1
Are we getting refunds?

                                                            MANAGER
Your tickets are fully refundable.

(All exit except USHER and MANAGER.)

                                                            USHER
Sorry, sir, I just—

                                                            MANAGER
Shut up. Go downstairs and help with crowd control.

                                                            USHER
Yes, sir.

                                                            MANAGER
Make sure the blacks and whites get in the right lines.

                                                            USHER
I’m not sure it’s quite as simple as—

                                                            MANAGER
How’s your new house?

                                                            USHER
Very nice.

                                                            MANAGER
So?

(A pause)

                                                            USHER
I’ll go downstairs and help with crowd control.

(Blackout)

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