Check Yourself
by Jacob Juntunen
PAULA: Mid- to late-twenties
GABRIELA: Early twenties
WAITRESS:
MAN:
GABRIELA: Early twenties
WAITRESS:
MAN:
Setting:
MAN is standing alone onstage standing and reading a magazine when WAITRESS
enters leading PAULA and GABRIELA. Throughout, the MAN notices and reacts to
the women, as if eavesdropping.
GABRIELA
You sure you don’t mind sitting at the bar?
You sure you don’t mind sitting at the bar?
PAULA
It’s fine.
It’s fine.
GABRIELA
How long a wait is it for a table?
How long a wait is it for a table?
WAITRESS
At least 45 minutes.
At least 45 minutes.
PAULA
Which is why you make reservations.
Which is why you make reservations.
WAITRESS
What would you like to drink?
What would you like to drink?
GABRIELA
Water’s fine.
Water’s fine.
PAULA
The Napa pinot noir.
The Napa pinot noir.
WAITRESS
Great. I’ll just leave these menus with you, and be right back with your drinks.
Great. I’ll just leave these menus with you, and be right back with your drinks.
(WAITRESS exits)
GABRIELA
I’m really glad we could have dinner away from Mom and Dad. And this is my treat.
I’m really glad we could have dinner away from Mom and Dad. And this is my treat.
PAULA
You really don’t have to—
You really don’t have to—
GABRIELA
Come on. I have a job. I’m not a kid anymore.
Come on. I have a job. I’m not a kid anymore.
PAULA
Well… Thanks for inviting me, then.
Well… Thanks for inviting me, then.
(They look at the menus)
GABRIELA
Twelve dollars for a hamburger?
Twelve dollars for a hamburger?
PAULA
You’re not going to get a hamburger here, are you?
You’re not going to get a hamburger here, are you?
GABRIELA
Of course not. I’m just saying. (pause) I’m glad you came home for Thanksgiving.
Of course not. I’m just saying. (pause) I’m glad you came home for Thanksgiving.
PAULA
New York’s home now.
New York’s home now.
GABRIELA
I’m glad you visited Mom and Dad, then. Are you coming back for Christmas?
I’m glad you visited Mom and Dad, then. Are you coming back for Christmas?
PAULA
The firm’s closed over Christmas, so I might as well.
The firm’s closed over Christmas, so I might as well.
GABRIELA
I was thinking of inviting everyone over to my place.
I was thinking of inviting everyone over to my place.
PAULA
Your apartment’s not big enough.
Your apartment’s not big enough.
GABRIELA
I got a tree in the corner, and I can put a card table up next to my kitchen table. Everyone will fit.
I got a tree in the corner, and I can put a card table up next to my kitchen table. Everyone will fit.
PAULA
What does Mom think?
What does Mom think?
GABRIELA
I haven’t asked her. But if you and I both—
I haven’t asked her. But if you and I both—
PAULA
She’s going to flip out—
She’s going to flip out—
GABRIELA
Not if we both—
Not if we both—
(WAITRESS enters)
WAITRESS
Water, and pinot noir. Are you ready to order?
Water, and pinot noir. Are you ready to order?
PAULA
I’ll have the duck with parmesan foam.
I’ll have the duck with parmesan foam.
GABRIELA
I’ll get the chicken wings.
I’ll get the chicken wings.
PAULA
They’re an appetizer.
They’re an appetizer.
GABRIELA
They’re ten dollars.
They’re ten dollars.
PAULA
She wants them as her entrée.
She wants them as her entrée.
WAITRESS
That is no problem. Do you want them to come out at the same time as the duck?
That is no problem. Do you want them to come out at the same time as the duck?
PAULA
Yes. She does.
Yes. She does.
WAITRESS
I’ll put those right in. I’ll take your menus. Give you some more room.
I’ll put those right in. I’ll take your menus. Give you some more room.
(WAITRESS exits)
PAULA
What would you make for Christmas dinner? Chicken wings and hot dogs?
What would you make for Christmas dinner? Chicken wings and hot dogs?
GABRIELA
I’ve helped Mom with dinner every year since—
I’ve helped Mom with dinner every year since—
PAULA
I hope the duck fits on the bar.
I hope the duck fits on the bar.
GABRIELA
I didn’t know you needed to make reservations. How much is the duck?
I didn’t know you needed to make reservations. How much is the duck?
PAULA
I can pay for it.
I can pay for it.
GABRIELA
No, my treat.
No, my treat.
PAULA
There will probably only be, like, four wings.
There will probably only be, like, four wings.
GABRIELA
I’m sure there’ll be more for ten dollars.
I’m sure there’ll be more for ten dollars.
PAULA
I’m going to the bathroom.
I’m going to the bathroom.
(PAULA exits, running into the WAITRESS as she enters. They have a brief exchange the audience can't hear.)
WAITRESS
Here’s your check, sir.
Here’s your check, sir.
MAN
Thanks. And here’s a little something extra.
Thanks. And here’s a little something extra.
WAITRESS
You don’t need to—
You don’t need to—
(MAN whispers in WAITRESS’s ear as he gets ready to
leave.)
WAITRESS
(cont)
Okay. (to GABRIELA) I’m not supposed to tell you this, but your bill is taken care of. So if you want something to drink, or an entrée, you should just—
Okay. (to GABRIELA) I’m not supposed to tell you this, but your bill is taken care of. So if you want something to drink, or an entrée, you should just—
GABRIELA
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, man?
MAN
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
GABRIELA
You think you can just eavesdrop and then, what, do some white guilt good Samaritan bullshit?
You think you can just eavesdrop and then, what, do some white guilt good Samaritan bullshit?
MAN
I have no idea—
I have no idea—
(PAULA enters)
PAULA
Why are you yelling?
Why are you yelling?
GABRIELA
This asshole thinks he can just pay for our—
This asshole thinks he can just pay for our—
PAULA
This is why I don’t want any of you in my fucking private life, you’re all—
This is why I don’t want any of you in my fucking private life, you’re all—
GABRIELA
I just want you to come to my house for Christmas!
I just want you to come to my house for Christmas!
MAN
You two get it together.
You two get it together.
GABRIELA
Bye, Felicia.
Bye, Felicia.
MAN
Who’s Felicia?
Who’s Felicia?
GABRIELA
Exactly, bitch. Buh-bye.
Exactly, bitch. Buh-bye.
(MAN exits)
GABRIELA
(cont)
How could you let that asshole pay for—
How could you let that asshole pay for—
PAULA
I paid, you idiot. Everyone in the bar could tell I was going to pay.
I paid, you idiot. Everyone in the bar could tell I was going to pay.
GABRIELA
But he whispered something—
But he whispered something—
WAITRESS
He likes my ass. Your sister gave me her credit card on the way to the bathroom.
He likes my ass. Your sister gave me her credit card on the way to the bathroom.
PAULA
Can you make our order to go? We’ll get out of your hair.
Can you make our order to go? We’ll get out of your hair.
WAITRESS
Sure.
Sure.
(WAITRESS exits)
PAULA
You could have invited me anywhere and I would have—
You could have invited me anywhere and I would have—
GABRIELA
No way someone as stuck up as you would have… Sorry, I didn’t mean that.
No way someone as stuck up as you would have… Sorry, I didn’t mean that.
(pause)
PAULA
You sure you have room for the whole family at your place? Even me?
You sure you have room for the whole family at your place? Even me?
GABRIELA
Yeah.
Yeah.
PAULA
So let’s get your four chicken wings and go talk to Mom.
So let’s get your four chicken wings and go talk to Mom.
GABRIELA
There’s going to be more than four chicken wings for ten bucks.
There’s going to be more than four chicken wings for ten bucks.
PAULA
You are so wrong.
You are so wrong.
(They exit. Blackout.)
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