As Simple as Black
and White
By Jacob Juntunen
By Jacob Juntunen
Characters:
USHER: Pale skinned man.
MAN 1: Dark skinned man.
WOMAN 1: Light skinned woman.
WOMAN 2: Dark skinned woman.
WOMAN 3: Tan skinned woman.
WOMAN 4: Tan skinned woman.
MAN 2: Caramel skinned man.
MANAGER: Pale skinned man.
Setting:
USHER is alone onstage when MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 enter.
USHER: Pale skinned man.
MAN 1: Dark skinned man.
WOMAN 1: Light skinned woman.
WOMAN 2: Dark skinned woman.
WOMAN 3: Tan skinned woman.
WOMAN 4: Tan skinned woman.
MAN 2: Caramel skinned man.
MANAGER: Pale skinned man.
Setting:
USHER is alone onstage when MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 enter.
USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.
(MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 both move stage right.)
USHER
Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. The white section is over there.
Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. The white section is over there.
WOMAN
1
I know.
I know.
MAN
1
What’s the problem?
What’s the problem?
USHER
Look, I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. I don’t care where people stand, but if my manager sees people mixing, I’ll get fired.
Look, I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. I don’t care where people stand, but if my manager sees people mixing, I’ll get fired.
MAN
1
We’re here on a date, we don’t want to make any problems.
We’re here on a date, we don’t want to make any problems.
USHER
Listen, I understand. I sympathize, but I got married a couple months ago, a baby’s already on the way, and we used all our savings to put a down-payment on a house. If it were up to me you could stand where ever you—
Listen, I understand. I sympathize, but I got married a couple months ago, a baby’s already on the way, and we used all our savings to put a down-payment on a house. If it were up to me you could stand where ever you—
WOMAN
1
I’m black.
I’m black.
USHER
Okay, yeah, I feel solidarity, too, but—
Okay, yeah, I feel solidarity, too, but—
MAN
1
You white people made the laws. One drop of blood.
You white people made the laws. One drop of blood.
USHER
But she’s paler than I am—
But she’s paler than I am—
(WOMAN 2 enters.)
WOMAN
1
Over here!
Over here!
(WOMAN 1 and 2 hug.)
WOMAN
1 (cont)
This idiot wants me to stand in the whites only section.
WOMAN
2
What a lump.
What a lump.
USHER
I can’t get fired, I’ve got a new mortgage to pay and an usher doesn’t get paid much—
I can’t get fired, I’ve got a new mortgage to pay and an usher doesn’t get paid much—
WOMAN
2
She’s my sister.
She’s my sister.
USHER
You’re joking.
You’re joking.
WOMAN
1
White people get mad when I try to pass, and get mad when I try to be black.
White people get mad when I try to pass, and get mad when I try to be black.
USHER
Is this Candid Camera?
Is this Candid Camera?
MAN
1
Get bent.
Get bent.
(WOMAN 3 enters.)
USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.
WOMAN
3
I’m not.
I’m not.
USHER
Not what?
Not what?
WOMAN
3
White or black.
White or black.
USHER
You have to be one or the other.
You have to be one or the other.
MAN
1
Stand with us.
Stand with us.
WOMAN
3
Maybe I’ll just stand in the middle.
Maybe I’ll just stand in the middle.
USHER
You can’t stand in the aisle. If the manager comes—
You can’t stand in the aisle. If the manager comes—
MAN
1 and WOMAN 1
You’ll get fired.
You’ll get fired.
WOMAN
2
Give us a break.
Give us a break.
(WOMAN 4 enters.)
USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over there. The concert will start momentarily.
WOMAN
4
I'm down! Brown is my color! Latina is my identifier!
I'm down! Brown is my color! Latina is my identifier!
WOMAN
3
Stand in the aisle with me.
Stand in the aisle with me.
USHER
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
WOMAN
4
When do the cats start blowing?
When do the cats start blowing?
MAN
1
It should have already started.
It should have already started.
USHER
My manager will be up here soon to check on everything, and I can’t have you in the black section—
My manager will be up here soon to check on everything, and I can’t have you in the black section—
WOMAN
1
But I’m black!
But I’m black!
USHER
And no one can be in the aisle!
And no one can be in the aisle!
(ENTER MAN 2)
USHER
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over... So go… Go over… I’m sorry, sir, what color are you?
Welcome to the Crystal Palace! General admission is standing room only, so whites over here, and blacks over... So go… Go over… I’m sorry, sir, what color are you?
MAN
2
Caramel?
Caramel?
USHER
Okay! Look! I don’t care what’s in your blood! I don’t care who your ancestors are! I don’t care about anything except how dark your skin is! I need all of you with dark skin over here, and all of you with light skin over here so I don’t get fired!
Okay! Look! I don’t care what’s in your blood! I don’t care who your ancestors are! I don’t care about anything except how dark your skin is! I need all of you with dark skin over here, and all of you with light skin over here so I don’t get fired!
WOMAN
4
What do you mean by light?
What do you mean by light?
WOMAN
3
Yeah, I’m sort of light-ish.
Yeah, I’m sort of light-ish.
USHER
No! Just—! I CAN’T LOSE MY JOB!
No! Just—! I CAN’T LOSE MY JOB!
MANAGER enters.
MANAGER
What’s going on up here?
What’s going on up here?
USHER
Please, sir, don’t fire me! I’ve been trying to get them to—
Please, sir, don’t fire me! I’ve been trying to get them to—
MANAGER
Everyone, listen up. I’m afraid the concert’s been canceled. We don’t allow Jews in here, and somehow no one figured out Benny Goodman was Jewish until he got here.
Everyone, listen up. I’m afraid the concert’s been canceled. We don’t allow Jews in here, and somehow no one figured out Benny Goodman was Jewish until he got here.
MAN
1
Are we getting refunds?
Are we getting refunds?
MANAGER
Your tickets are fully refundable.
Your tickets are fully refundable.
(All exit except USHER and MANAGER.)
USHER
Sorry, sir, I just—
Sorry, sir, I just—
MANAGER
Shut up. Go downstairs and help with crowd control.
Shut up. Go downstairs and help with crowd control.
USHER
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
MANAGER
Make sure the blacks and whites get in the right lines.
Make sure the blacks and whites get in the right lines.
USHER
I’m not sure it’s quite as simple as—
I’m not sure it’s quite as simple as—
MANAGER
How’s your new house?
How’s your new house?
USHER
Very nice.
Very nice.
MANAGER
So?
So?
(A pause)
USHER
I’ll go downstairs and help with crowd control.
I’ll go downstairs and help with crowd control.
(Blackout)
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