Code Name: Astrea
by Jacob Juntunen
(APHRA BEHN sits at a table writing. A YOUNG MAN and YOUNG WOMAN hold up a sheet between them, like a screen. THE MAN stands in front of it.)
THE MAN
Coming this summer to theatres everywhere, a writer hailed by the Modern Language Association as the sexiest bisexual spy playwright ever, Aphra Behn, in a new movie dramatizing her life called, Code Name: Astrea.
APHRA BEHN
The king wanted my code name to be “Sex Kitten,” but I chose “Astrea” based on the pseudonym of the cross-dressing character in Pedro Calderon’s play Life is a Dream.
THE MAN
It is a period just after civil war, and Charles II has regained the throne soon after Aphra Behn’s marriage—
(The YOUNG MAN holds out his hand to APHRA BEHN; she tears a page from the book and hands it to YOUNG MAN)
APHRA BEHN
I’m writing my husband’s obituary, actually.
YOUNG MAN
I’m dead?
THE MAN
I find that an unlikely story. Your husband was a young man and it’s only been—
APHRA BEHN
(taking page from YOUNG MAN) Here it is. In ink. Indelible. This young woman here is going to take it to the newspaper. Once it’s printed, it’s a fact: no man can change it.
(APHRA BEHN kisses the page and hands it to the YOUNG WOMAN who puts it near her heart)
THE MAN
Back to the movie, then. It is a period just after Civil War, and Charles II regained his throne soon after Aphra Behn was widowed and thrown into financial crisis.
APHRA BEHN
(scribbling) So this is the part where the king helps me.
THE MAN
Why would the king help the likes of—
(CHARLES II pops up from behind the screen wearing a cardboard crown)
CHARLES II
I’m declaring war on the Netherlands. Go there and get information from the youngest prince.
APHRA BEHN
(kneeling) Your majesty!
CHARLES II
He keeps a portrait of you in his bedroom.
APHRA BEHN
I’m not sure I’m the right woman for this kind of job.
CHARLES II
You’re a widow. Knowledgeable in the ways of men and able to travel alone without suspicion. Plus I’d pay you.
APHRA BEHN
How much?
CHARLES II
You’ll never worry about money again.
APHRA BEHN
(holding out her book and pen) Write down the amount.
(CHARLES II writes a sum; BEHN looks at it and is impressed)
APHRA BEHN
Sign it.
(CHARLES II does so)
APHRA BEHN
When’s the next boat to the Netherlands?
YOUNG WOMAN
But you gave me your husband’s obituary.
APHRA BEHN
Don’t worry. I’ll write.
(APHRA BEHN and CHARLES II move behind the sheet)
THE MAN
This movie’ss being called the summer’s sexiest blockbuster costume drama spy thriller.
(DUTCH PRINCE [played by CHARLES II actor] pops his head over the screen)
DUTCH PRINCE
(Dutch accent; very distracted) Soar-y— oom— um— deed voo awsk soom theen?
APHRA BEHN
(putting her head above the sheet) Dear, dear prince. Are the troops moving East or West?
DUTCH PRINCE
Power ees quite thee awphroodeesiac for you, ees it?
APHRA BEHN
I could return to my bedroom—
DUTCH PRINCE
West! West! We moving theem Westerly!
(APHRA BEHN and DUTCH PRINCE duck behind the sheet)
YOUNG WOMAN
And the only letter I received from you was the one begging me to send money for your fare back to England.
APHRA BEHN
(emerging from behind sheet) No other money was forthcoming.
CHARLES II
(emerging from behind sheet wearing crown) Oh, hello, Aphra. Got to run. Empires to build.
APHRA BEHN
(holding out her book) We had a contract.
CHARLES II
You could appeal to the king— oh, wait. Sorry.
(CHARLES II exits)
THE MAN
Critics are calling it the most daring debtors’ prison escape in all cinema history.
APHRA BEHN
(moving to her table) Debtors’ prison? No, no, no—
THE MAN
But is escaping debtors’ prison the same as a real prison escape? Is it as dramatic—
(After furious scribbling from APHRA, YOUNG WOMAN throws money at APHRA who scampers around the ground picking it up. They make eye contact and the YOUNG WOMAN shakes her head in disgust)
THE MAN
That’s a bit dues ex machina, isn’t it? In Shakespeare you would befriend a guard or fight—
APHRA BEHN
(back to scribbling) It’s my story. And I become the most produced playwright of the 1670s.
THE MAN
After John Dryden.
APHRA BEHN
But I did it on my own, a widow, with no help from the likes of you. I’m in anthologies!
THE MAN
A sign of the dumbing down of American culture, like this film. I’ll take that.
(THE MAN takes APHRA BEHN’s book)
APHRA BEHN
No! Wait!
THE MAN
There’s no need to show any more.
(YOUNG WOMAN and YOUNG MAN cover APHRA BEHN with sheet)
THE MAN
Despite the hype, Code Name: Astrea remains a deeply flawed film. It mainly demonstrates that sex sells and lurid curiosity keeps a fourth-rate playwright taught alongside Shakespeare. Skip this movie, skip Aphra Behn altogether, and read the only playwright that matters: William Shakespeare. This is Harold Bloom of Yale University signing off from another episode of “How to Read and Why,” radio edition. Thank you and goodnight.
Read full lengths by Jacob Juntunen here!
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