Singing
for my Grandfather
By Jacob Juntunen
By Jacob Juntunen
DANIEL is struggling to get out of MICHAEL’s headlock.
DANIEL
(US accent) No, no, no, no, no!
(US accent) No, no, no, no, no!
MICHAEL
(Scottish accent) That was fifty fucking pence, you idiot!
(Scottish accent) That was fifty fucking pence, you idiot!
DANIEL gets out of the headlock.
DANIEL
No one’s singing that damn song while I’m here!
No one’s singing that damn song while I’m here!
MICHAEL
You fucking Americans come here during the Festival and think—
You fucking Americans come here during the Festival and think—
DANIEL
I’m not here for the fucking Festival.
I’m not here for the fucking Festival.
MICHAEL
So go to your hotel’s bar and—
So go to your hotel’s bar and—
DANIEL
I’m not staying at a hotel.
I’m not staying at a hotel.
MICHAEL
That was fifty pence in the jukebox, something everyone could sing—
That was fifty pence in the jukebox, something everyone could sing—
DANIEL
No one’s singing “Danny Boy” while I’m here.
No one’s singing “Danny Boy” while I’m here.
MICHAEL
Unless you’re unconscious.
Unless you’re unconscious.
DANIEL
I don’t want any trouble.
I don’t want any trouble.
MICHAEL
Then you shouldn’t have unplugged the damn jukebox while everyone was—
Then you shouldn’t have unplugged the damn jukebox while everyone was—
DANIEL
I just wanna finish my beer in peace—
I just wanna finish my beer in peace—
MICHAEL
You’re not sitting at that bar unless you sing with us and give me back fifty p—
You’re not sitting at that bar unless you sing with us and give me back fifty p—
DANIEL
(throwing it at him) Here’s your fucking money!
(throwing it at him) Here’s your fucking money!
MICHAEL
Everyone was enjoying “Danny Boy” before you—
Everyone was enjoying “Danny Boy” before you—
DANIEL
I just don’t want to sing that song, all right? Play something else and let me have my beer—
I just don’t want to sing that song, all right? Play something else and let me have my beer—
MICHAEL
You fucking Americans come here, come into our bars, and don’t even know how to have a good time.
You fucking Americans come here, come into our bars, and don’t even know how to have a good time.
DANIEL
My grandfather took me to all kinds of bars—
My grandfather took me to all kinds of bars—
MICHAEL
I’m not talking about your fucking American bars where nobody sings anything—
I’m not talking about your fucking American bars where nobody sings anything—
DANIEL
My grandfather’s Scottish, you asshole.
My grandfather’s Scottish, you asshole.
MICHAEL
Did he lose all his fun when he went to America, then?
Did he lose all his fun when he went to America, then?
DANIEL
He never went to America. I’m here for the funeral. He used to come here.
He never went to America. I’m here for the funeral. He used to come here.
MICHAEL
Oh, fuck. You’re not Moe’s grandkid, are you?
Oh, fuck. You’re not Moe’s grandkid, are you?
DANIEL
Daniel Douglass, in the flesh. He used to bring me here when I was a little kid, before Dad moved us to the States.
Daniel Douglass, in the flesh. He used to bring me here when I was a little kid, before Dad moved us to the States.
MICHAEL
Let me buy you a drink, Danny Boy—
Let me buy you a drink, Danny Boy—
DANIEL
Don’t call me that. Only grandpa called me that.
Don’t call me that. Only grandpa called me that.
MICHAEL
What’ll you have?
What’ll you have?
DANIEL
A pint of anything. Doesn’t matter. I just want to sit here in Grandpa’s bar and have a beer to remember him.
A pint of anything. Doesn’t matter. I just want to sit here in Grandpa’s bar and have a beer to remember him.
MICHAEL
One pint, coming up.
One pint, coming up.
(MICHAEL exits)
DANIEL
(sings under his breath) Oh Danny Boy, the pipes the pipes are calling…
(sings under his breath) Oh Danny Boy, the pipes the pipes are calling…
Jacob is head of playwriting at Southern Illinois University, Carbondale.
Read his full lengths here.
Read his full lengths here.
No comments:
Post a Comment