Harold and Aphra
by Jacob Juntunen
by Jacob Juntunen
HAROLD
Good morning, ninth graders. I’m Harold Bloom of Yale University, here today because—
Good morning, ninth graders. I’m Harold Bloom of Yale University, here today because—
APHRA
And I’m Aphra Behn.
And I’m Aphra Behn.
HAROLD
This is your public schoolteacher, Mrs. Collette, who today for some reason feels it’s necessary—
This is your public schoolteacher, Mrs. Collette, who today for some reason feels it’s necessary—
APHRA
Actually, I’m Aphra Behn.
Actually, I’m Aphra Behn.
HAROLD
She feels it’s necessary for her to act as Aphra Behn, and me as King Charles II.
She feels it’s necessary for her to act as Aphra Behn, and me as King Charles II.
APHRA
I’ve just returned from Venezuela—
I’ve just returned from Venezuela—
HAROLD
You were never— I mean, Aphra Behn was never in—
You were never— I mean, Aphra Behn was never in—
APHRA
And I will write a novel about an African King with whom I—
And I will write a novel about an African King with whom I—
HAROLD
I’m only here because of that unfortunate DUI and the uncanny ability of New Haven police officers to spot—
I’m only here because of that unfortunate DUI and the uncanny ability of New Haven police officers to spot—
APHRA
But I am loyal to you Charles! Regardless of what any officers may say—
But I am loyal to you Charles! Regardless of what any officers may say—
HAROLD
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
APHRA
I’ll go to the Netherlands and be your spy!
I’ll go to the Netherlands and be your spy!
HAROLD
Well, that’s true, she did go to—
Well, that’s true, she did go to—
APHRA
And here I am, back from the Netherlands! But for all my valuable information—
And here I am, back from the Netherlands! But for all my valuable information—
HAROLD
Gained by sleeping with a Duke, actually.
Gained by sleeping with a Duke, actually.
APHRA
Despite all the valuable information I gained as a spy, you wouldn’t even give me the fare to return to England. Why do you refuse to pay me?
Despite all the valuable information I gained as a spy, you wouldn’t even give me the fare to return to England. Why do you refuse to pay me?
HAROLD
You can see she’s no writer, but merely the first woman to sleep to the top of the literary—
You can see she’s no writer, but merely the first woman to sleep to the top of the literary—
APHRA
I’m in debtors’ prison and still no one will help me!
I’m in debtors’ prison and still no one will help me!
HAROLD
All right, very good histrionics Mrs. Collette—
All right, very good histrionics Mrs. Collette—
APHRA
I’m Aphra Behn! The sexiest bisexual spy playwright ever!
I’m Aphra Behn! The sexiest bisexual spy playwright ever!
HAROLD
I’m sure these ninth graders don’t care about Aphra Behn’s sexual exploits. We should, perhaps look at one of Shakespeare’s plays—
I’m sure these ninth graders don’t care about Aphra Behn’s sexual exploits. We should, perhaps look at one of Shakespeare’s plays—
APHRA
But after someone, Charles, wink wink, gets me out of prison—
But after someone, Charles, wink wink, gets me out of prison—
HAROLD
There’s actually no evidence that I— I mean, Charles— had anything to do with—
There’s actually no evidence that I— I mean, Charles— had anything to do with—
APHRA
I become the world’s first professional woman playwright!
I become the world’s first professional woman playwright!
HAROLD
Just because people liked your plays doesn’t mean they were good.
Just because people liked your plays doesn’t mean they were good.
APHRA
Just because people liked my plays doesn’t mean they were bad.
Just because people liked my plays doesn’t mean they were bad.
HAROLD
Witty, but a syllogism is far from proof that your plays— I mean, Aphra Behn’s plays, were of a quality comparable to—
Witty, but a syllogism is far from proof that your plays— I mean, Aphra Behn’s plays, were of a quality comparable to—
APHRA
I become the most produced playwright of the 1670s.
I become the most produced playwright of the 1670s.
HAROLD
After John Dryden.
After John Dryden.
APHRA
But I did it on my own, with no help from the likes of you. I’m in anthologies!
But I did it on my own, with no help from the likes of you. I’m in anthologies!
HAROLD
A sign of the dumbing down of American culture, like this class. Speaking of which, my sentence is just about up.
A sign of the dumbing down of American culture, like this class. Speaking of which, my sentence is just about up.
APHRA
No! Wait! We haven’t done the ending yet!
No! Wait! We haven’t done the ending yet!
HAROLD
Children, I’ve finished my hour of community service for my DUI. Whatever your teacher tells you, the story of Aphra Behn mainly demonstrates that sex sells and lurid curiosity keeps a fourth-rate playwright taught alongside the men who count. Skip this class if she continues down this feminazi path, and read the only playwright that matters: William Shakespeare. Do you want to be Harold Bloom of Yale University, or a deranged, possibly schizophrenic, schoolteacher who believes she’s Aphra Behn?
Children, I’ve finished my hour of community service for my DUI. Whatever your teacher tells you, the story of Aphra Behn mainly demonstrates that sex sells and lurid curiosity keeps a fourth-rate playwright taught alongside the men who count. Skip this class if she continues down this feminazi path, and read the only playwright that matters: William Shakespeare. Do you want to be Harold Bloom of Yale University, or a deranged, possibly schizophrenic, schoolteacher who believes she’s Aphra Behn?
APHRA
I am Aphra Behn!
I am Aphra Behn!
HAROLD
Have a good morning, everyone.
Have a good morning, everyone.
HAROLD exits.
APHRA
Wait! I am Aphra Behn! I am… All right everybody. See you on Monday. And before you ask, Ms. Idaszak, this will be on the test.
Wait! I am Aphra Behn! I am… All right everybody. See you on Monday. And before you ask, Ms. Idaszak, this will be on the test.
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