Code Name: Astrea
by Jacob Juntunen
Characters:
APHRA BEHN: A young woman.
HAROLD BLOOM: An older gentleman.
JOHAN BEHN: A young man.
YOUNG WOMAN: A young woman.
CHARLES II/DUTCH PRINCE: The same handsome man; could be two puppets.
Set:
A table and chair downstage right. Properties needed: A white sheet, cardboard crown, a composition book, a pen, and a few bills of money.
(APHRA BEHN sits at the table writing in a composition book. JOHAN BEHN and YOUNG WOMAN hold up a white sheet between them, like a screen, center stage. JOHAN BEHN and the YOUNG WOMAN will hold the sheet throughout the play. HAROLD BLOOM stands in front of it.)
HAROLD BLOOM
Welcome to “How to Read and Why,” radio edition. I’m Harold Bloom of Yale University, and tonight we discuss a film coming this summer to theatres everywhere, Code Name: Astrea which dramatizes the life of Aphra Behn, a writer hailed by the Modern Language Association as the sexiest bisexual spy playwright ever.
APHRA BEHN
The king wanted my code name to be “Sex Kitten,” but I chose “Astrea” based on the pseudonym of the cross-dressing female character in Pedro Calderon’s play Life is a Dream.
HAROLD BLOOM
The film begins in a period just after England’s civil war, and Charles II has regained the throne soon after Aphra Behn’s marriage:
(JOHAN BEHN holds out his hand to APHRA BEHN)
JOHAN BEHN
My love—
APHRA BEHN
I’m writing my husband’s obituary, actually.
(APHRA BEHN tears a page from the book and hands it to JOHAN BEHN)
JOHAN BEHN
I’m dead?
HAROLD BLOOM
I find that an unlikely story. Your husband was a young man and it’s only been—
(APHRA BEHN takes the paper from JOHAN BEHN and gives it to HAROLD BLOOM)
APHRA BEHN
Here it is. In ink. Indelible. Once it’s printed, it’s a fact: no man can change it.
HAROLD BLOOM
There are some, in fact, who doubt whether Aphra Behn’s husband ever existed—
APHRA BEHN
If he didn’t exist, then where did his obituary come from?
HAROLD BLOOM
You wrote it.
APHRA BEHN
From my pen to the paper of record. A fact.
HAROLD BLOOM
We shall see.
APHRA BEHN
This exquisite and charming young woman here is going to take it to the newspaper, making my writing part of history.
(APHRA BEHN kisses the page and hands it to the YOUNG WOMAN who puts it near her heart)
YOUNG WOMAN
I will always treasure this obituary.
HAROLD BLOOM
Back to the movie, then. It is a period just after Civil War, and Charles II regained his throne soon after Aphra Behn was widowed and thrown into financial crisis.
YOUNG WOMAN
Did your mother leave you any money?
APHRA BEHN
She was just a nanny.
YOUNG WOMAN
My father isn’t going to give me money unless it’s my dowry.
APHRA BEHN
I could write a novel about the African king I met in Venuzuela.
YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, yes, please, put all those lurid details in public.
HAROLD BLOOM
You were never in Venezuela.
APHRA BEHN
It could make a fortune.
HAROLD BLOOM
She was never in Venezuela. It’s a novel she wrote. That’s all.
YOUNG WOMAN
I could always return to my father’s house.
APHRA BEHN
Something else then.
(APHRA BEHN returns to her writing table)
APHRA BEHN
(scribbling in the composition book) So this is the part where the king helps me.
HAROLD BLOOM
Why would the king help the likes of—
(CHARLES II pops up from behind the screen wearing a cardboard crown)
CHARLES II
I’m declaring war on the Netherlands. Go there and get information from the youngest prince.
APHRA BEHN
(kneeling) Your majesty!
CHARLES II
He keeps a portrait of you in his bedroom. He stays up nights dreaming of you, just waiting for you to release him from his… information.
APHRA BEHN
I’m not sure I’m the right kind of woman for this job.
CHARLES II
You’re a widow. Knowledgeable in the ways of men and able to travel alone without suspicion. Plus I’d pay you.
APHRA BEHN
How much?
YOUNG WOMAN
Maybe you should write that novel about Venezuela.
CHARLES II
You’ll never worry about money again.
YOUNG WOMAN
Don’t you want people to know about slavery in the New World?
APHRA BEHN
(holding her book and pen out to CHARLES II) Write down the amount.
(CHARLES II writes a sum; APHRA BEHN looks at it and is impressed)
APHRA BEHN
Sign it.
(CHARLES II does so)
APHRA BEHN
(to CHARLES II) When’s the next boat to the Netherlands?
YOUNG WOMAN
But you gave me your husband’s obituary.
APHRA BEHN
(to YOUNG WOMAN) Don’t worry. I’ll write you.
(APHRA BEHN and CHARLES II move behind the sheet)
HAROLD BLOOM
This movie’s being called the summer’s sexiest blockbuster costume drama spy thriller.
(DUTCH PRINCE [played by CHARLES II actor] pops his head over the screen)
DUTCH PRINCE
(Dutch accent; very distracted from APHRA BEHN’s actions below the sheet) So, oom, thees are ze Egyptian cotton sheets voo vanted to, oom, see. Zey make zee bed quite nice, yes?
APHRA BEHN
(muffled from behind sheet)
DUTCH PRINCE
Soar-y— oom— um— deed voo awsk soom theeng?
(APHRA BEHN puts her head above the sheet and wraps her arms around DUTCH PRINCE)
APHRA BEHN
Dear, dear prince. Are the troops moving East or West?
DUTCH PRINCE
Power ees quite thee awphroodeesiac for you, ees it?
APHRA BEHN
Maybe it’s not proper for me to be alone with you in bed, a poor widow and all—
DUTCH PRINCE
West! West! We moving theem Westerly!
(APHRA BEHN and DUTCH PRINCE duck behind the sheet)
HAROLD BLOOM
But Aphra Behn was betrayed!
(APHRA BEHN emerges from behind the sheet)
YOUNG WOMAN
Aphra was betrayed? The only letter I received from her was the one begging me to send money for her fare back to England.
APHRA BEHN
No other money was forthcoming.
(CHARLES II pops his head up from behind sheet)
CHARLES II
Oh, hello, Aphra. Got to run. Empires to build.
APHRA BEHN
You said I’d never worry about money again.
CHARLES II
What an odd thing to say.
APHRA BEHN
(holding out her book) We had a contract.
CHARLES II
You could appeal to the king— oh, wait. Sorry.
(CHARLES II exits)
HAROLD BLOOM
Critics are calling it the most daring debtors’ prison escape in all cinema history.
APHRA BEHN
(moving to her table) Debtors’ prison? No, no, no— She’ll help me.
YOUNG WOMAN
I hope you’re not talking about me.
HAROLD BLOOM
But escaping debtors’ prison is hardly the same as a real prison escape, not nearly as dramatic—
(After furious scribbling from APHRA, YOUNG WOMAN throws money at APHRA who scampers around the ground picking it up.)
HAROLD BLOOM
That’s a bit dues ex machina, isn’t it? In Shakespeare you would befriend a guard or fight—
YOUNG WOMAN
You look good on all fours.
APHRA BEHN
This is still my story. You don’t even have a name, and I become the most produced playwright of the 1670s.
HAROLD BLOOM
After John Dryden.
(APHRA BEHN returns to her table and starts frantically writing)
APHRA BEHN
But I did it on my own, a widow, with no help from the likes of you. (at YOUNG WOMAN to hurt her) I even wrote that Venezuela novel where a woman loses her virginity to her real love, an African king. (back to HAROLD BLOOM) I’m in anthologies!
HAROLD BLOOM
A sign of the dumbing down of American culture, like this film. I’ll take that.
(HAROLD BLOOM takes APHRA BEHN’s book; she remains sitting)
APHRA BEHN
No! Wait! I haven’t written the ending yet!
HAROLD BLOOM
There’s no need to show any more.
(HAROLD BLOOM motions to YOUNG WOMAN and JOHAN BEHN)
APHRA BEHN
But I’m the playwright! I get to write my own ending! Hey!
(YOUNG WOMAN and JOHAN BEHN cover APHRA BEHN and her writing table with the sheet)
HAROLD BLOOM
Despite the hype, Code Name: Astrea remains a deeply flawed film. It mainly demonstrates that sex sells and lurid curiosity keeps a fourth-rate playwright taught alongside the men who count. Skip this movie, skip Aphra Behn altogether, and read the only playwright that matters: William Shakespeare. This is Harold Bloom of Yale University signing off from another episode of “How to Read and Why,” radio edition. Thank you and goodnight.
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