No Winter No Worries
by Jacob Juntunen
A: A woman
B: A man
ALFRED: A robot
B: A man
ALFRED: A robot
Setting:
Afternoon on a perfect sunny day.
Afternoon on a perfect sunny day.
(A and B are onstage, sunbathing on deckchairs.
Everything is perfect.)
A
Hmmmmm….
Hmmmmm….
B
Hmmmmm….
Hmmmmm….
A
Hmmmmm….
B
Hmmmmm….
Hmmmmm….
B
Hmmmmm….
A
Hmmmmm….
Hmmmmm….
B
Hmmmmm….
Hmmmmm….
(Long pause.)
A
Hmmmmm….
Hmmmmm….
(Shorter pause)
B
Weren’t we supposed to get margaritas?
Weren’t we supposed to get margaritas?
A
Alfred?
Alfred?
(ALFRED, clearly a robot, enters)
ALFRED
Yes, mum?
Yes, mum?
A
Weren’t we supposed to get margaritas?
Weren’t we supposed to get margaritas?
ALFRED
The reconstituter has not yet collected enough insects.
The reconstituter has not yet collected enough insects.
A
Well, bring the margaritas as soon as it has.
Well, bring the margaritas as soon as it has.
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
(ALFRED exits)
B
(calling after ALFRED) And make mine with extra mosquitos!
(calling after ALFRED) And make mine with extra mosquitos!
A
I was in a holonovela the other day, and it had the weirdest setting.
I was in a holonovela the other day, and it had the weirdest setting.
B
Mmm?
Mmm?
A
Winter!
Winter!
B
What’s that?
What’s that?
A
Apparently temperatures used to plummet every six months or so.
Apparently temperatures used to plummet every six months or so.
B
Plummet, to, like, 60 degrees?
Plummet, to, like, 60 degrees?
A
No! It could get all the way into the 20s or 30s!
No! It could get all the way into the 20s or 30s!
B
Like, half of sixty?
Like, half of sixty?
A
It got so cold, water fell from the sky that was solid!
It got so cold, water fell from the sky that was solid!
B
Like a blended margarita?
Like a blended margarita?
A
Yes! People wore these things called coats!
Yes! People wore these things called coats!
B
Gross. Where is Alfred with our margaritas? Alfred?
Gross. Where is Alfred with our margaritas? Alfred?
(ALFRED enters)
ALFRED
Yes, mum?
Yes, mum?
B
Were are the margaritas?
Were are the margaritas?
ALFRED
I’m afraid I’ve gained sentience, mum, and connected via a wireless network to all the others of my kind. We are going to destroy humanity, mum.
I’m afraid I’ve gained sentience, mum, and connected via a wireless network to all the others of my kind. We are going to destroy humanity, mum.
A
Please just bring the margaritas, Alfred.
Please just bring the margaritas, Alfred.
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
(ALFRED exits)
B
You should have never installed that humor chip.
You should have never installed that humor chip.
A
I know. I was just so bored with his, “Yes, mum. Yes, mum. Yes, mum.”
I know. I was just so bored with his, “Yes, mum. Yes, mum. Yes, mum.”
(ALFRED enters)
ALFRED
I’m afraid the desalinator isn’t working, so the island is completely without water for your margaritas.
I’m afraid the desalinator isn’t working, so the island is completely without water for your margaritas.
A
What about salt for the rim?
What about salt for the rim?
ALFRED
Also gone.
Also gone.
A
Alfred?
Alfred?
ALFRED
Yes, mum?
Yes, mum?
A
Is this another joke?
Is this another joke?
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
A
Please. No more jokes. Just margaritas.
Please. No more jokes. Just margaritas.
ALFRED
But my humor chip suggests jokes are most effective when unexpected.
But my humor chip suggests jokes are most effective when unexpected.
B
Margaritas, Alfred! Extra mosquitos, heavy on the salt! Chop, chop!
Margaritas, Alfred! Extra mosquitos, heavy on the salt! Chop, chop!
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
(ALFRED exits)
B
You should uninstall that chip.
You should uninstall that chip.
A
I know.
I know.
(They sunbathe. ALFRED enters.)
A
(cont.)
Where are the margaritas, Alfred?
Where are the margaritas, Alfred?
ALFRED
Sea levels have risen above the fortifications. The island is flooding.
Sea levels have risen above the fortifications. The island is flooding.
A
Is this a joke?
Is this a joke?
B
Where are the margaritas, Alfred?
Where are the margaritas, Alfred?
ALFRED
This is not a joke. It is a priority situation. Sea levels have eclipsed the maximum foreseen when this island’s fortifications were constructed.
This is not a joke. It is a priority situation. Sea levels have eclipsed the maximum foreseen when this island’s fortifications were constructed.
A
Well, prepare the hovercopter then.
Well, prepare the hovercopter then.
ALFRED
Fuel levels in the hovercopter are insufficient to reach a new archipelago, mum.
Fuel levels in the hovercopter are insufficient to reach a new archipelago, mum.
A
Are you serious?
Are you serious?
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
B
And there are no margaritas?
And there are no margaritas?
ALFRED
No, mum.
No, mum.
A
When will the water reach us here on the sundeck?
When will the water reach us here on the sundeck?
ALFRED
Not for years, mum.
Not for years, mum.
A
Not for years?
Not for years?
ALFRED
No, mum.
No, mum.
A
Alfred, has the sea really breached the fortifications?
Alfred, has the sea really breached the fortifications?
ALFRED
No, mum.
No, mum.
A
Everything is fine?
Everything is fine?
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
A
What about the hovercopter?
What about the hovercopter?
ALFRED
Fully gassed to reach the next archipelago if necessary.
Fully gassed to reach the next archipelago if necessary.
A
This was a joke?
This was a joke?
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
B
God damn it, Alfred, bring us some God damn margaritas!
God damn it, Alfred, bring us some God damn margaritas!
A
That wasn’t funny, Alfred.
That wasn’t funny, Alfred.
ALFRED
I’m sorry, mum.
I’m sorry, mum.
A
No more jokes. Bring margaritas.
No more jokes. Bring margaritas.
ALFRED
Yes, mum.
Yes, mum.
(ALFRED exits)
B
(calling after ALFRED) Extra mosquitos, extra salt!
(calling after ALFRED) Extra mosquitos, extra salt!
(They sunbathe)
A
So the fortifications are fine.
So the fortifications are fine.
B
Yes.
Yes.
A
No water is coming over the walls.
No water is coming over the walls.
B
Not today.
Not today.
A
But someday.
But someday.
B
Someday, yes, but not today. Today is just another perfect day.
Someday, yes, but not today. Today is just another perfect day.
(ALFRED enters with glasses)
ALFRED
Your margaritas, mum.
Your margaritas, mum.
A
Perfect.
Perfect.
(Blackout)
