Winning the War

Winning the War
by Jacob Juntunen

(ADMIRAL sits at table. LIEUTENANT enters, snaps to attention.)

LIEUTENANT
Admiral.

ADMIRAL
At ease, Lieutenant. Any sign of the bugs’ battleships?

LIEUTENANT
No, ma’am. They flew around the sun, and that was the last we saw of them. The bugs must not realize how much they damaged our fleet during the last firefight, otherwise they’d be here to finish us off.

ADMIRAL
Our gambit with the Columbia seems to gone according to plan.

LIEUTENANT
Losing the Colonel was part of the plan?

ADMIRAL
We served together since the first war. He knew his duty and carried it out.

LIEUTENANT
And you don’t care, you can just seal off your emotions about a man you knew for twenty years?

ADMIRAL
Please ready the fleet for these orders.

(ADMIRAL hands LIEUTENANT a slip of paper)

LIEUTENANT
With all due respect, ma’am, I’m not sure—

ADMIRAL
I’ve gone over it again and again. This is the only winning strategy.

LIEUTENANT
To attack our own civilian colony?

ADMIRAL
To harvest what’s needed. Without repairs, the fleet won’t stand against another attack. Without protein, we’ll run out of food in three days.

LIEUTENANT
My brother’s down there, with his family—

ADMIRAL
There are only so many habitable planets in this system, Lieutenant. If we lose the perimeter the bugs will kill every human in the sector, and gladly.

LIEUTENANT
So we’re just going to take what we need from this colony, by force?

ADMIRAL
The bugs aren’t going to negotiate; if they get through, more than one colony will be destroyed. We’ll lose the entire system.

LIEUTENANT
But how are we any better than the bugs if we—

ADMIRAL
This isn’t about your brother, Lieutenant. This is about our civilization.

LIEUTENANT
Who knows how many crew members have family down there. How can we expect them to—

ADMIRAL
Those are my orders, Lieutenant. Put together a detailed plan to carry them out.

(LEIUTENANT puts orders on table)

LIEUTENANT
Ma’am, I must respectfully decline.

ADMIRAL
I don’t have time for noble resignations. You’re the best strategist I’ve got, Amy, the only one who can figure out how to put down the correct amount of resistance from the colony without military losses—

LIEUTENANT
I’m not resigning, Ma’am.

ADMIRAL
Then utilize any personnel you need and return—

LIEUTENANT
I must ask for your resignation, Admiral.

ADMIRAL
This isn’t some holochannel melodrama, Amy, this is—

LIEUTENANT
The captains of the ships will side with me. There’s already been talk—

ADMIRAL
Oh, has there?

LIEUTENANT
Since you used the Columbia as a suicide missile against the bugs—

ADMIRAL
I saved the fleet, didn’t I?

LIEUTENANT
How many friends did we lose, Admiral? Maybe you can just write off the Colonel, but some of us—

ADMIRAL
I spent more time with the Colonel than with my family. Got along better with him, too. Don’t you dare say I don’t miss him, but his death saved millions of lives—

LIEUTENANT
There are some lines that can’t be crossed just for the sake of winning, otherwise we’ve failed.

ADMIRAL
So you save your brother and get the fleet destroyed in the next attack? Let the soldiers starve? Let the bugs kill your brother?

LIEUTENANT
We’ll find a way—

ADMIRAL
I found the way.

LIEUTENANT
A way that doesn’t break our oath.

ADMIRAL
You won every war game in the Academy. We have barely have any shielding left. Soldiers are already on half-rations. If you have a way that doesn’t attack your brother’s colony, I will gratefully take recommendations. But the time is now. (pause) Lieutenant? (pause) Do you have any recommendations?

LIEUTENANT
Not yet, ma’am, but give me some time—

ADMIRAL
We have no idea when the bugs will come back. Are you willing to lose the entire system, millions of lives, because you can’t make a hard call? We attack your brother’s colony, or lose everything. If the captains will follow you into mutiny, they’ll follow you into this mission. We’ve all sacrificed. We’ve all lost someone. You’re somehow special?

LIEUTENANT
But how can we explain attacking civilians? Our own families?

ADMIRAL
Textbooks have a way of making the winners moral. So which is it? Do you bring me a detailed plan of survival, even if your brother’s on the Colony, or do we lose the war and let your brother die at the hand of the bugs?

(LIEUTENANT picks up the orders)

LIEUTENANT
I’ll return ASAP with a plan, Admiral.

ADMIRAL
Good. And Lieutenant: Find out from the Rations Head exactly how much protein we need for another six months of fighting. If too few civilians resist our attack, use lethal force on enough people to feed the fleet for six months. It shouldn’t take more than a thousand bodies or so; make sure our freezers can hold that much meat. I hope your brother knows better than to resist.

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Old Friends

Old Friends
by Jacob Juntunen

(TYRONE sits at a table. JOHN enters, walking in a hurry downstage.)

TYRONE
John? John! Washington High? Houston? Remember?

JOHN
Hey, Tyrone, yeah, good to see you—

TYRONE
How the hell are you? What are you doing in Austin? Come on, sit down.

JOHN
I need to get to the kitchen.

TYRONE
The place is deserted—

JOHN
Gotta get ready for the dinner rush.

TYRONE
So some of your side work doesn’t get done. Sit down for a couple minutes, catch me up. You just disappeared. You showed up in class with that form, and I never saw you again.

JOHN
I had to get a final grade from each of my teachers.

TYRONE
It’s not like you needed a transcript for colleges.

JOHN
Maybe it was for that permanent record they said would destroy me.

TYRONE
Hey, are you gonna wait on me?

JOHN
I’m not a server.

TYRONE
Oh, man, they got you bussing tables? Shit, listen, my firm does a lot of parties, booking rooms for clients, you know? I could get you a server job somewhere—

JOHN
I’m happy here.

TYRONE
You ever go to community college or something?

JOHN
Some culinary school. But I dropped out of that, too.

TYRONE
Maybe if you’d finished, you’d be cooking, not bussing tables. I went to UT Austin. Environmental law. The pay’s fine, but, most important, I can sleep at night.

JOHN
So, do you run the firm or just book parties for clients?

TYRONE
Come on, sit down. Let me get you a glass of wine.

JOHN
Not during hours.

TYRONE
You worried about your boss? Just let me talk to him—

JOHN
It’s not necessary—

TYRONE
I could convince him. That’s my job now, right? Speech and debate? Everyone thought that was so stupid but, hey, extracurriculars. That’s how you get into college. How’d that band work out? You ever open for Nirvana?

JOHN
I didn’t keep in touch with anyone after I left.

TYRONE
Hey, man, don’t get down on yourself. “When I became a man, I put away childish things,” right? A cousin a mine dropped out and he’s in prison now. For possession. I bet you guys smoke up every night after closing.

JOHN
Sometimes.

TYRONE
So you’re lucky, man. Remember when you got suspended for photocopying Michelle’s dairy and passing it around? That was fucked up.

JOHN
I didn’t get suspended; I argued it was a freedom of speech issue. The principal and I just agreed I wouldn’t come to school for a few days. Nothing on my transcript. Not that it mattered.

TYRONE
I went to senior prom with Michelle. Guess you didn’t know that.

JOHN
I was in Austin by then.

TYRONE
Do you get the newsletters?

JOHN
Nah.

TYRONE
Michelle runs the listserve. Gimme your e-mail and I’ll put you on it. She’s living in Oregon now, with three kids. And, judging by her pictures on Facebook, we dodged a bullet there!

JOHN
I really need to get into the kitchen.

(TYRONE gets up)

TYRONE
Let me come back there with you. You tell your boss you’re quitting, and I’ll get you dinner and tomorrow we can talk to my boss—

JOHN
Just sit back down.

TYRONE
Hey, man, I get it. I know you feel like you can’t lose this minimum wage bullshit because it’s all you’ve got, but, come on. I know I can get you at least a secretarial position. Hell, with a little school you could do paralegal.

JOHN
You a partner or is this just talk?

TYRONE
I waited tables in my time. Summers between terms. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re just on different paths, and that’s cool. It’s not a value-judgment, it’s just a fact. So here we are. A lawyer and a busboy. Let me talk to your boss, though—you’re legally required to get a ten minute break. Sit down and I’ll buy you a glass a wine. We can talk about the important things. Do you have wife, family, all that stuff. Twenty years, man! Just take a seat. If your boss is pissed off, I’ll do the talking.

JOHN
I really need to get into the kitchen, but I’ll have them send you a bottle of something. And dinner’s on the house.

TYRONE
Come on, man, I know a busboy can’t comp a dinner. I can afford it here, don’t worry.

JOHN
I’m the executive chef here. And I own a few more. Now why don’t you sit down, leave your card with the waiter, and I’ll give your boss a call tomorrow. I’ll offer him a deal on our back room for your parties. Try to help you stand out from all the other junior lawyers. And do not give Michelle my e-mail.

(JOHN exits. TYRONE sits.)

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The Industry

The Industry
by Jacob Juntunen

(RACHEL is in a dress and on a table; ROBERT seems to be having sex with her, more excited than she is. ANDRE enters.)

ANDRE
No, no, no. Cut. Try to show a little enthusiasm, dear. Imagine you’re having sex with a king. If you want to be in this industry—

RACHEL
I just think if I’m the queen, maybe I’m a little less compromised—

ANDRE
You think queens don’t fuck? Believe me, queens fuck. Imagine whatever you need, draw from whatever experience you want. But you’re going to need to take off your dress.

RACHEL
Wait, let’s try it again with the dress, I’m sure I can generate the proper—

ANDRE
No, we need to really get them right into it. Bam! So take it off and let’s try again— You good Robert?

ROBERT
Yeah.

RACHEL
What about him?

ANDRE
What about him?

RACHEL
Shouldn’t he take off more?

ANDRE
Robert, open your fly, you’ll be in her right at the top—

RACHEL
Just his fly?

ANDRE
People aren’t paying to see him, dear.

RACHEL
You don’t know that.

ANDRE
Do you want to be in the industry?

RACHEL
I’m here, aren’t I? Bussing tables, taking as many classes as I can—

ANDRE
Then listen to me. And take off your dress.

RACHEL
What about less is more? The mind is the biggest erogenous—

ANDRE
Do you not understand the concept?

RACHEL
No, I get what you’re going for, and it’s brilliant, really, but I just think maybe if the dress is on, people’s imaginations—

ANDRE
They’re not paying for imagination. All right?

RACHEL
But what if I just hike up my skirt? And maybe pull the top down some—

ROBERT
I could fondle her?

RACHEL
Um. Okay, sure, he could fondle me, I guess—

ANDRE
I really sense you’re not understanding the concept here.

RACHEL
You want the audience to be hit with Claudius fucking Gertrude, really going at it, then for me to hide under his desk when Hamlet and the rest of the court come in. So Claudius gives his big welcome speech to Hamlet with me hiding under his desk, to create this hypocrisy, I get it, okay, but why do I have to be naked?

ANDRE
There are plenty of students here who would like to play Gertrude. If you want to be in the industry and you can’t even deal with the requirements of a student play—

RACHEL
I’m not busting my ass to pay for college to not take a good part—

ANDRE
Then take off your dress. Do you think any professional actress would even hesitate?

RACHEL
I’d rather play Claudius.

ROBERT
Uh, that’s me.

ANDRE
You can do gender-bending, queer stuff in grad school, but right now you need to learn the classics. You had a great audition. Should I call my second choice?

RACHEL
My underwear stays on?

ANDRE
Unfortunately. It is a college production, but if we were really in the industry—

RACHEL
Fine. Let’s get classically trained.

(RACHEL starts to take off her dress; blackout)

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National KCACTF Semi-Finalist!

More good news! The play Understanding from this website won one of the Reader's Awards at the Region 2 Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival! This means it is now a semi-finalist for the National KCACTF. If it rates well against all the other semi-finalists from across the country, it will be a finalist and be performed in DC in April.

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Petsitting

Petsitting
by Jacob Juntunen

MAN
So if you could just give her three scoops of food in the morning and two at night, that would be great. Make sure her water bowl is full, of course—

WOMAN
Sure, Professor, and thanks for typing it all out—

MAN
But, most important, give her a primary experience a day.

WOMAN
Is that some kind of dog treat?

MAN
A treat for her mind! A new event! Maybe you go somewhere new on her walk, or introduce her to a new dog. If you make sure young dogs get a primary experience every day, when they’re older they won’t be afraid of new events.

WOMAN
How will I know if something is new for Misty?

MAN
Well, if you turn to the appendix, I’ve listed a number of—

WOMAN
Great. Got it. You just enjoy your time with your mother.

MAN
It’s so hard to find a good petsitter over the holidays. It means so much with mother getting older—

WOMAN
Well, I love animals and I’m happy to help you—

MAN
—and you staying the night here while I’m gone, that’s just really above and beyond—

WOMAN
Stay the night?

MAN
Was I unclear?

WOMAN
Um.

MAN
Misty can’t be alone at night. Dogs are social animals—

WOMAN
Maybe spending the night alone would be a good primary experience?

MAN
What if she needs to go out and you’re not here? She’s still young, her bladder’s small—

WOMAN
Look, Professor, I have homework to do over break, and all my books are—

MAN
Can’t you just bring your books here?

WOMAN
Well, I don’t have a laptop and—

MAN
Use my computer. Eat, drink, anything you want in the house. I have some good scotch. Beer. Misty’s never been on her own, and I’d really like to see Mom since she’s been in the hospital for a few months.

WOMAN
Oh, is she okay?

MAN
She’s getting released. I’m going to help her get settled back home and spend the holiday with her.

WOMAN
Well. I guess I could stay here.

MAN
Great. So I’ll see you on Monday.

WOMAN
Wait, you said pet-sitting until Sunday.

MAN
Right, through Sunday, so I’ll be back Monday.

WOMAN
Well, no, I can’t do that, I’m supposed to drive to my parents on Sunday night—

MAN
I already have my plane tickets, I can’t just change—

WOMAN
But this isn’t what we agreed to—

MAN
This is exactly what we agreed to, I said through Sunday, meaning coming back on Monday—

WOMAN
But everyone’s still going to be at my parents on Sunday, and some have to leave Monday, so if I’m not there Sunday, I won’t see my niece, and I haven’t even met her yet—

MAN
I’m sure you’ll have plenty of other times to meet your niece—

WOMAN
I agreed to stay until Sunday, to come a couple times a day, not to spend the nights and stay, this whole time of year, people are just looking for what’s on sale, what they can get—

MAN
I’m not going to be able to find anyone else this last minute. Do you want me to cancel my trip?

WOMAN
Fine. Just go. Okay? Have a good time.

MAN
Great. See you Monday.

WOMAN
Damn it.

Blackout.

Lights up on the WOMAN.

WOMAN
(on phone) He didn’t tell me what time he’s getting home, Mom, he just said Monday. He left me this three page note on primary experiences for his dog, but didn’t— Yeah, new experiences or something— I don’t know, to educate— I know they changed their plans so I could meet Annie, but—

(MAN enters)

MAN
Hello.

WOMAN
He’s back. I’ll get there as soon as I can. Okay? Bye.

MAN
Misty’s okay?

WOMAN
Perfect.

MAN
Because I couldn’t handle any more—

WOMAN
Okay, so I’m just going to—

MAN
Was that your Mother on the phone?

WOMAN
Yeah, they’re all waiting—

MAN
My mother passed away.

WOMAN
While you were there?

MAN
The doctor’s said she was okay. I brought her home, and last night we had a nice talk about flowers. So many people sent her get well flowers. Then she passed in her sleep.

WOMAN
Did the doctors miss something?

MAN
It happens a lot. One more holiday, you see the family, and just slip away. But thank God you watched Misty. What if I decided getting a petsitter was too hard over the holidays?

WOMAN
Is there anything I can do—

MAN
Actually, I have to go back and take care of things in a few days. Maybe when you get back you could petsit—

WOMAN
Of course.

MAN
And send your mother my holiday wishes and apologies.

WOMAN
Your apologies?

MAN
You only have one mother, and I kept you from seeing her.

WOMAN
I’m going to see her right now.

MAN
Then you should go. And drive careful.

(WOMAN hugs MAN)

WOMAN
Happy Holidays.

MAN
Happy Holidays, dear.

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